I'm currently in a long-distance relationship. This hasn't caused me (or GR, that I know of) a significant amount of mental or emotional trauma. I'm cool. He's cool. We're doing remarkably well.
An unintended result of my contentment is that, thus far, I have never turned to the internet as a means of releasing or mitigating any emotional angst. I have to assume that web-based support groups and other such things exist for people like me, but frankly, I have no use for them.
Today, however, thanks to a random and whim-induced Google search, I discovered the existence of a wide, vast world -- of not only "LDR" support groups, but also entire websites and articles -- dedicated to how to survive as A Person Coping With A Long-Distance Relationship. I know that many of these sites are legitimate and useful sources of comfort to those having a hard time in their long-distance relationships (and some are for military separations, about which I would never joke)...
....but some of them are hilarious.
Exhibit A: www.lovefromadistance.com
Aside from having a domain name that sounds like an ill-concealed cover for pedophilic stalkers, the best part of lovefromadistance.com is its much-lauded list of "100 Things for LDR Couples To Do Together." The "100 Things" list is the crown jewel of the website, billed on the home screen as the site's "most popular page," and [loquaciously] titled as the "longest list of things for LDR couples to do from a distance you'll find anywhere!"
When you navigate to the "100 Things" list, you are immediately met with a paragraph-length introduction, which reads as follows:
People in long distance relationships can have a hard time staying connected, because couples are limited in what they can do together. Many are limited to phone calls, emails, instant messaging, and texting which can become a bit humdrum over time, if you ask me. It is important to keep things interesting. Here is a list of things you can do with your boyfriend/girlfriend as well as things you can do for them from a distance. The ideas get more interesting as you go through the list!
The introduction neglects to mention Skype (or other video messaging) among the ways LDR couples can communicate, which seems like a pretty significant omission. Between phone calls, Skype, e-mails, instant messaging, and texting, I'm skeptical that this list can offer me anything terribly new. Regardless, I read on.
The first item on the list (which starts at #1, not #100) is "Watch movies or TV shows simultaneously together!" The English major in me struggles past the grammatical redundancy ("simultaneously together"?), and I focus on the content. I'm having a hard time figuring out how this activity can be seen as anything except depressing. We've kicked off the list with a forced sense of excitement, thanks to the exclamation point. "OMG YOU CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER! Guys, isn't it exciting that you'll be seeing the same things? Watching TV is fun!" As far as my imagination is concerned, the only thing sadder than being unhappy in a long-distance relationship is forcing yourself to waste cell phone minutes on dead airtime watching a random TV show (an activity that, in a regular relationship, is sort of the fast food of companion activities), making you only more painfully aware of your long-distance-ness. I'm wondering if diabolical cell phone companies came up with this one.
The introduction promises that these list items will get more interesting, though, so I move on.
I'll paraphrase the next 70 or so entries. Most of them involve sending some sort of message to your loved one. Send coupons. Send an e-Kiss. Send a "Hip-Hop Gram"[?]. Send a drawing. Send a love letter. Send a different kind of love letter. Send a card. Send a card in which you've sprayed your favorite perfume. Send a poem. Send a "Geo Greeting." Send a mad lib. Send a text message in their signature font[?]. The more creative ones, not surprisingly, get a little creepy. Monitor the weather where they are. Go on a scavenger hunt at a dollar store and then send what you buy to your significant other. Better yet, send them on a scavenger hunt.
I'll skip to #100 -- presumably, the most interesting entry of them all. Ready?
100. Exercise together.
"... Just set up your laptops in your respective living rooms (or wherever you have enough room to workout), turn on the webcam, and start playing the same workout video simultaneously!"
Although there are few things that would make me regret the invention of the internet, the thought of GR and I jazzercising together in remote locations, connected by a webcam capturing our synchronized movements, might do the trick.
Exhibit B: longdistancerelationship.org
This website has the honor of capturing the brick-in-the-face obvious domain name for those seeking empathy and advice about their long-distance relationships. It is the #2 Google search result for "long distance relationship." One would logically conclude that this site must be wildly popular. Upon further investigation, though, its Google status clearly must have been won by skillful and effective keywords and/or black magic, judging by the fact that the website's advice is 100% delivered in broken, non-native English and with a healthy scoop of gender stereotyping.
Here are excerpts from the entry on how to have a romantic, long-distance Valentine's Day:
Have a Candlelit Dinner via Webcam – If you’ve been itching to try romantic ideas during Valentine’s Day but still can’t decide about what to do then having a candlelit dinner despite the distance is possible with none other than a webcam! Ask a friend or a relative of your girlfriend to order something nice from a good restaurant in her place. Instruct the person to deliver the food on your girl’s house. Of course, you will have to pay for it.
Write a Poem – Although you will agree that your teacher in literature gave you a failed mark, this should not stop you from writing a wonderful poetry to express your love to your lover.
Give Gifts - A good girl should get a good price so if you think your girl is worthy of such then you might want to consider giving a Kindle Wireless Book Reader or any gift she’ll appreciate.
Send a Letter – Write a letter to your girl expressing how much you love her. Because girls are so emotional, they will for sure adore your effort.
I don't always feel 100% awesome about me and GR being 1,000 miles away from each other, but these websites make me feel significantly better.
Randoms re: the last few months:
- Having nearly a month break between semesters, during which I spent my time concentrating on my old job and hanging in Chicago with all my old buds, my first few months of grad school have begun to seem less like "the first step in the process of establishing my ultimate career" and more like "a fun jaunt into Reading Land -- OK, what's next?" This regressive shift in perspective would be a little worrisome to me, except for the fact that this coming semester is sure to beat that sentiment out of me faster than you can say I'm taking a graduate-level Shakespeare class with a lauded Shakespeare scholar and I haven't read a Shakespeare play since high school.
- My sister got engaged last week(!!!!). Immediately after it happened, a script was triggered in my head, telling me that such a momentous familial life event should make me feel old and/or adult-like. In the past 2.5 years, however, I've attended the weddings of three close friends, all of whom are younger than me -- so I can say with some certainty that weddings of people approximately my age are no longer surprising enough to make me feel old.
- That realization just now, though, does make me feel a little old.
- Flying into Boston's Logan Airport can be a little terrifying to the uninitiated. Check out Google Maps sometime and you'll notice that the runways/landing strips all terminate at the shore of a bay. Anyone who has traveled by plane knows that, when landing, the airplane comes [what appears to be] dangerously close to the ground [or in this case, water] well before it's actually ready to land. When flying into Logan, this means that a newbie window-seater may be compelled to stare with bulging eyes out the window, watching the water in the bay get so close to the underbelly of the plane that she can see flickering light reflected off individual waves, until she becomes absolutely convinced that the plane is about to water-land and that she should probably start praying and/or looking for a buoyant-looking passenger to use as a floatation device, when at the very last second the runway magically appears under the wheels of the airplane just as it touches the Earth's surface.
- When in Boston, I miss driving. When in Chicago, I miss the weirdly adorable Boston custom of saying "thank you" to the green line T conductor when exiting a subway car.
- I haven't yet figured out whether being an academic means that I have to pretend to not be excited/fan-girly when I meet substantially more famous or impressive academics. I hope not. Over the past semester I listened to and/or talked to a bestselling author, a Nobel Prize-winning neuroscientist, a world-famous philosopher, and an Oscar-winning filmmaker, and I'm completely jazzed to be able to say that.
- Over the past couple years it has become extremely evident to me that, as a consumer, if something goes wrong, whatever the circumstances, complaining enough to Management and being a big enough thorn will result in free things being handed to you. After collecting all the gumption and audacity I could muster, over the past year I have discovered that I possess too much empathy for sales clerks and customer service representatives to ever be a lucratively squeaky wheel.
- I'm not going to lie -- I'm proud of myself for moving to Boston. I feel oddly satisfied about the fact that, without much assistance, I picked up my more-or-less happy and self-sufficient life and transplanted myself 1,000 miles away, in order to lead a comparably happy and self-sufficient life. At the same time, I feel like I have an outstanding sacrificial warrant to the gods of telecommunications, who have allowed me to maintain close relationships with GR, seester, parents, and friends by way of phone calls, e-mails, and Skype. Making a cross-country move would have been exponentially more scary without the benefits of 21st century technology, and the part of me that acknowledges Amish people feels compelled to think about that every once in a while.
Having painstakingly emerged from my finals coma, I've discovered that I already have an outstanding warrant on my annual blog-tacular New Years predictions game. Based on my immediate reactions to my previous, year-old list, another entry is likely to follow that features me obnoxiously marveling over how darn eventful 2011 was for me. But for now...:
Predictions of Varying Certainty for 2011:*
- By April, I will be working for a different company than the one I do now.
- I will visit a state that I have previously never been to.
- My parents, sister, and GR will patiently help me make a series of agonizing decisions over the course of the year.
- My student loans will finally be consolidated successfully.
- By the end of the year, I will become a better cook and expand my culinary skills beyond the rudimentary meals I make now, perhaps even learning to wield spices.
- I will attend at least two (2) weddings.
* While I don't believe in karma or jinxes, I don't not believe in them, either, so I'm making the executive decision to abstain from any predictions about the results of my grad school applications.
How Prescient I Actually Was*:
- I did indeed switch jobs, with minimal incident, and wound up at a place that let me continue to work part-time and remotely when I moved to Boston. I call this a double-win.
- I don't actually think I visited any new states. I moved to a new state, though, for the first time in my life, so I'd like to think that makes up for it.
- This was clearly a not-too-subtle reference to the fact that I thought I might be choosing a grad school in 2011, and it came true accordingly. My listed confidants wound up "helping" by being supportive in my decision-making, but my choice of grad school was, to be fair, probably not the one they internally hoped for.
- My student loans were not only consolidated, but also deferred for a laughably long time thanks to me re-becoming a full-time student.
- Fail. I still make the same five or six meals every day, happily.
- I was invited to two weddings, but only attended one. 40% fail.
* What a wuss. This list would have been more interesting if I had made grad school acceptance predictions. Then again, perhaps it was my deft avoidance of such a damning jinx that got me into grad school this year, so maybe I shouldn't complain.
Predictions of Varying Certainty for 2012:
- I'll agonize over whether or not to move apartments or renew my lease in my current one, but will ultimately decide to stick with my current pad.
- I will schedule, take, and successfully get through my minor field exam.
- At least two of my friends (not including GR) will come visit me in Boston.
- I'll keep my current part-time/remote job for the duration of the year.
- I will be surprised by at least one person I know announcing that she is pregnant.
- I will go see a movie in theaters less than two times over the course of the entire year.
