What I didn't tell you is I didn't mean it

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

So, every time I hear a song that I know (which happens pretty often), as I listen to the lyrics I try to connect them in my head to me, or my friends, or experiences I've had in the past. I know I'm not the only one who does this, because if I was, posting song lyrics in profiles wouldn't be such a hit with the teenagers (apparently a lot of people's shadows are the only ones who walk beside them). While the whole "relate everything to me" thing is totally natural, I think if I was a songwriter I would be a little uncomfortable with the idea. I could just imagine me writing an extremely personal though somewhat ambiguous ballad about having to throw away my favorite pair of shoes and having it misinterpreted and becoming the number one breakup song for preadolescents.

Come tomorrow I'll be gone

You know, I've heard several times that theory that it takes something like seven compliments for someone to emotionally recover from one disparaging comment. I think that entirely depends on whom the insult is coming from. Sam can call me a fat prostitute until he hyperventilates and topples over, and I won't care in the slightest. There are other people who can ruin my afternoon by just being short with me.

A few days ago I completed a laborious psychology project that consisted of a collage and paper that, respectively, represented and explained my personality, bringing the "largely irrelevant 'creativity' outlet assignment" count to eight. My teacher apologized for assigning us yet another collage, and explained that in past years, the collage was instead a survey project, where you were to go around to friends/family/acquaintances and have them list five positive and five negative aspects of your personality. But that was replaced when the omnipotent "they" and some complaining parents decided that being exposed to potential negative personal characteristics was detrimental to a student's mental health.

Honestly, what level of insecurity prohibits you from being able to handle that someone thinks you're a tad lazy, or that your mom calls you disorganized? Isn't it productive and honorable to acknowledge your faults in order to have the opportunity to improve? Would you really rather live in a cloud of pretentious self gratification than bear to hear that the kid you sit next to in English thinks you're a little pretentious? Educational system, you fail me.

The results of my own negative qualities survey: I'm a little judgmental, conservative, opinionated, and mean to boys. And let me tell you, my self esteem is positively shattered.

Though I guess if the assignment had been to list seven positive qualities for every negative one, everything would've been peachy.

Let's forget we're running out of time

So...

LTotW:
- I have no patience for the learning process. More than once is too many times, and not excelling right off the bat is reason enough to be discouraged.
- Quintessential gender stereotypes are proved more and more to me daily.
- Contrary to my belief, people who physically look down their noses at other people actually do exist, and it's just as condescending-looking as the metaphor is condescending-sounding.
- I'm pretty sure I severely underestimate amount of influence I have on other people and their emotions. Which might sound arrogant unless you know that my previous influence assumption was/is "none at all."
- I think at this point my conception of my personality (as far as nice-ness, reserved-ness, friendly-ness, etc... goes) and how I actually come across to others is way different. Which kind of sucks, 'cause I used to have a pretty good grasp on that sort of thing.

Speaking of personality, in psyc I took what I think was the most inaccurate personality assessment ever. Apparently I'm extremely extroverted, seek attention, have problems concentrating and completing projects, and have a wide rebellious streak.

Has anyone else ever had one of those days where, though you feel completely normal, it seems like every two minutes someone is coming up to you and asking in this concerned tone if you're feeling ok, because they think you're looking particularly tired/sickly/detached? Maybe it's just me, and just today, but nevertheless it's really confusing.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time

I love how it's possible to instantaneously go from having absolutely no obligations to having your responsibilities and deadlines pile up until they're doing an Atlas thing on your shoulders. I've discovered in the last few days that making to-do lists increases my productivity by like 458%, once I get over the fact that to-do lists strike me as incredibly lame.

Perks of an 18th Birthday:
- Cigarettes (I've always wanted cancer)
- Porn (fake sex = maturity. Duh.)
- Lottery Tickets (To prove that I haven't taken statistics)
- Piercings/Tattoos (Considered and rejected, since I like having a home)
- My library card irrevocably expires (I'm actually really sad about that)
- Your friends and family give you really cool gifts

Being right about people gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Or a steely, satisfied one, depending.

I'm becoming more and more disenchanted with the general concept of psychology. It's all about people trying to connect the same sets of traits to greatly varying and extremely specific sources, most of which can easily be contradicted or reinforced by other extremely specific sources. There are forty different schools of thought as to where memories are stored. I have this mental image of a bunch of psychologists running around stealing each others' notes, stamping different labels on them, and calling it a theory.

The fact that it snowed significantly for the first time on my birthday made me disproportionately happy, considering it resulted in me sliding into a curb and being late for school.

Linda's Current Favorite Books:
- The Great Gatsby
- A Portrait Of the Artist As a Young Man
- Wuthering Heights
- This Side of Paradise
- Demian

I have a friend. He is made mostly of pain.

There are only three, maybe four, people in this world about whom I say with sincerity that I don't particularly like. There are plenty others who have traits that I dislike, but for the overall person I'm either in favor or apathetic. I never dislike anyone immediately, since I treat the term "dislike" with the same conversational weight that most people might treat the word "hate," so those who do fall into that category had to earn their place there; I always have a fairly specific and individualized reason for disliking the people I do. I've also noticed, though, that those lucky few have one primary trait in common: they seem to lack this basic sense of empathy that I base all my actions on.

It's ridiculously easy to get back on my good side, too. I think that above trait just renders those special people incapable of doing it.

I've also started to become increasingly annoyed with patterns of behavior that I can't seem to break off from. I think I'm a perfectionist in the most inconvenient way possible.

Things Consuming My Life Right Now:
- Speech (+)
- School (-)
- Gilmore Girls (+)
- Having friends (+)
- Staying warm (-)

..2 days until Thanksgiving
.........9 days until my birthday
............12 days until my next speech meet
......................22 days until Cathi's birthday

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."

The story is in the soil, keep your ear to the ground

Time really needs to move faster.

So, I have this theory that Christianity in America is like the magical community in Harry Potter.

Rationale: Both consist of a group of people who feel they have some sort of huge knowledge about the world that the other half does not. Both have terms for the people and activities not in their group ("muggle" and "secular," respectively). Both have people who attempt to live in both worlds simultaneously. Both see the news and events that concern the muggle/secular world a little differently due to their magic-ness/Christain-ness, and both have news, music, products, and merchandise that pertains only to them. Both are based on excruciatingly thick books and are the basis of several movies.

Except for the whole "Christians think Harry Potter will result in the demoralization, degeneration, and general implosion of our children" thing, I think it works.

The other day I was looking through an old desk drawer for manila envelopes with which to send my college transcripts, and I found a project I had to do back in 4th grade. It's a little book about me and my family, and each page has some connection to something we learned that unit, like similies ("My family is a colorful rainbow!"), adjectives ("snacking"?), haikus, and the like. I'll now present you with the acrostic poem I made of my name:

Lovable
Ice Cream
No Bad Grades
Does Love Dogs
Artistig

Much Laughter
A Smart Family
Ready for Anything
Tuna Lovers
Idea Machines
Neverending

Ice cream? Or more importantly, tuna? Besides the fact that I didn't know how to spell "artistic," my favorite parts have to be my inability to come up with a "D" word and the vague reference to immortality.