The memory now is like the picture was then

It's when I'm weary of considerations,
and life is too much like a pathless wood
...I'd like to get away from earth awhile
and then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
and half grant what I wish and snatch me away
not to return... I don't know where it's likely to go better.

-Robert Frost

I wonder where people get the idea that running away makes things better. Even in childhood, simply neglecting problems only resulted in more conflict. In adulthood, neglecting problems can potentially result in extreme financial debt or, say, cancer. It seems odd that when something unfavorable happens, my first reaction is still "if only I could just get away from it." Just sleep for a long time, and wake up, and everything will be better. You'd think even my subconscious would learn by now that things don't work that way.

I wonder if that's one of the main sources of procrastination. That ever-guaranteed-to-be-in-vain hope that some miraculous event will prevent the source of dread from occurring. Closely akin to denial, I would assume.

3 things I'd like to temporarily run from: Tech, school, routine.
3 things I'd like to eliminate completely: Finals, grades, Fox Valley Music Festival.
3 things I'm looking forward to: Prom, climbing trip, summer
3 people who should be more appreciated: Katie, Jeramiah, Kyle Q
3 things I need right now: Time, money, sleep.

I'm coasting on potential towards a wall at a hundred miles an hour

Writing would be so much easier if I was more of a poet and less of a critic.

I really am anti-social. Not so much in practice, but when I get confronted by too many people/ideas at the same time, a large part of me wants nothing more than to curl up and be alone for a while. There's a point where it's increasingly hard to stand being around people anymore, and I think I reach that point easier than most.

Personal questions also bother me. It's not so much that I mind answering, more that so often I don't know the answer. It bothers me that I don't know myself so much that I can't find responses on a subject that I should know the most, considering how much time I spend being me.

Like why am I so picky when it comes to guys? I've been politely propositioned by two perfectly acceptable males in the last couple of months, and turned them both down. Why? I can't even explain. Maybe I'm waiting for an impossibility. Maybe I just went with my gut instincts. Maybe I just don't care to do anything about a pattern of singleness that's worked out so well so far.

On a contrasting note, warm, summery weather has blown in an air of anticipation into those of us who wait for June. I'm increasingly looking forward to summer. No school. No tech. No more hassling with the flighty complications that come with being a teenage high school student. More time to just lay around and be myself. More time with friends that I've been forced to have been distanced from. I'm quite eager for the change.

35 days.

Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me

Good Things:

1. After just 3 weeks of working at Colonial, I decided to quit for Dairy Queen, which will provide me with better pay for less effort and better hours. I was pretty nervous about how I would go about this, due to a combination of a new experience and a great fear of people getting angry at me. Luckily, it went well. And I got my first paycheck.

2. College kids home for Easter weekend = more interesting things to do.

3. Tomorrow is my last day of self inflicted food deprivation! I will once again be able to clog my arteries and increase my risk of heart attack whenever I darn well please.

4. I spent a good portion of today rock climbing.

Bad Things:

1. I totally bombed a math test on Thursday. Six questions: two I'm guaranteed not to get right, and one I just left blank. Apparently I don't know much about algebra, but I can figure out that percentage.

2. I owe my mom 500 bucks, and I have to pay it before the month is over.

Traumatizing Things:

1. I hit a rabbit on the way to climbing. It was dark and I didn't see it until the last second, but I did hear the distinct thump and physically felt it under the car right after. I only freaked out a little.

Random Observations:

1. People often willingly, and without hesitation, put themselves in the most painful, uncomfortable positions, and then feel they have the right to complain about it.

2. I get nervous and/or flustered pretty easily.

3. Without a fairly present sense of purpose/friendship/community/non-hatred, theatre doesn't function very well.

4. I'm slowly getting over my fear of people.

5. Carefully placed sarcasm is often a wasted effort.

I laugh when I see the world you're in

Well, the trip to Georgia came and went with little incident, unless x-treme boredom has become a noteworthy occurrence.

Lent ends in 7 days, the Sunday which, obviously, is also Easter. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my newfound culinary freedom, but I have a feeling it's going to include cookie dough.

As becoming custom, the topic of Lent reminds me of what is about to become this entry's soapbox tirade. A few days ago I was talking to the ever interesting T-Fink, and I, through a conversational track I no longer can recall, mentioned that I was a Christian. He was surprised, and expressed that he had always assumed me either agnostic or atheist. Granted, though I've known the boy for about a year, Trevor really doesn't know me very well, so I could brush this misconception off, but it really bothered me. As a Christian, I'm supposed to, as the Bible dictates, live in a manner that displays my spirituality in everything I do. I'd always assumed that my sometimes unnatural-seeming efforts to be courteous, kind, forgiving, and charitable (though they're not always successful), might send the message that I have some sort of higher comfort working for me. Of course, agnostics can be quite the pleasant people too, but it's the principle of the thing. I have a habit of assuming people as having a religion until I'm told something to the contrary, so Trevor's presumption caught me off guard.

On a less introspective side, spring break is a little over 24 hours away from ending. Overall I'd say it's continued this year's pattern of being considerably less dynamic than the last. I'm wondering if I'm losing some of the enjoyment I could be getting out of my time in comparing it to more cherished days.

"I regret. Not for things I have missed, but for things that will never come to be, simply because I did not grasp them in time." -I like that.