And I'm trying to convince myself that the way I feel is all I have

My list of Things I Intend To Do is getting longer and longer. Now, added to my two reading plans, an art project, piano, climbing, and keeping up with cleaning the house are attempts to adequately learn acoustic guitar and to keep up with some sort of activity plan to get/keep me healthy. Somewhere in there I need to conquer laziness, or at least half of those are doomed to failure before commencement. I'm not sure why I even have all these grand schemes. It's not like I have some burning desire for self improvement. Most of them stem from me sitting somewhere and thinking "you know, it'd be cool if..." or "I really should start doing..." Idle consideration and begrudging guilt aren't good ways to start projects. Neither is thinking up excuses for why they might fail.

Michael Moore's new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, is out, and I'm conflicted on whether or not I want to see it. On one hand, it's bound to be interesting, and I'm curious to see what he has to say this time around. On the other hand, Moore's habit of (admittedly, pretty brilliantly) wording facts in a manner that twists the unbiased truth into his personal propaganda upsets me a bit. I also believe that he's more than a little presumptuous. His films may incite the public to talk about current events, but aren't we already? Moore seems to have this lofty idea that his films are stinging critical social and political commentary that will stun viewers and rile nationwide debate, when in reality, though he may be presenting some new facts, the basic idea is the same one democrats, liberals, anti-Bush, and other people who like to label themselves in similar fashions, have been saying for quite some time. In essence, he's entertaining, but I don't think he's as great as he thinks he is, and I might not see it just out of spite for that fact.

Besides the fact that the only place it's playing is at Cantera, and am I really willing to pay 7 bucks for this movie when I could be seeing Saved! again?

And some things are better stressed when unexpressed, 'cause silence can be overwhelming

I need to stop trying to be responsible. I turned down an opportunity to hang out with quality friends so I could go to bed at a reasonable hour and be rested for church in the morning. Predicted time of rest at this point is between 2 and 3 am, because I'm a nerd and spend too much time online. I could have been doing something more interesting right now. I should know myself better.

I found out today that I made All State for tech, which makes me happy, although also leaves me slightly confused, as I didn't think my interview went well at all. I'm really looking forward to the experience of working on such an anually awesome show, but I have to add that I'm a little disappointed that I won't be spending theatre fest hanging out with my friends. Not to mention the fact that I have to give my right hand and firstborn child (read: about 300 bucks) to do this thing.

And some things are better stressed when unexpressed, 'cause silence can be overwhelming

I need to stop trying to be responsible. I turned down an opportunity to hang out with quality friends so I could go to bed at a reasonable hour and be rested for church in the morning. Predicted time of rest at this point is between 2 and 3 am, because I'm a nerd and spend too much time online. I could have been doing something more interesting right now. I should know myself better.

I found out today that I made All State for tech, which makes me happy, although also leaves me slightly confused, as I didn't think my interview went well at all. I'm really looking forward to the experience of working on such an anually awesome show, but I have to add that I'm a little disappointed that I won't be spending theatre fest hanging out with my friends. Not to mention the fact that I have to give my right hand and firstborn child (read: about 300 bucks) to do this thing.

The morning sunrise seemed to ask me why I try to find the strength in people who never thought about a different way of life

My little family's trip to Georgia seems to have turned out to be exactly what I needed to get out of the weird mood I was in. Since we were staying in the old (and funny smelling) house my mom just bought, we were completely lacking internet, computers, television, or furniture, sans three air mattresses, a chair, and a TV tray. And since we were a good 13 hours drive away from anyone I know, I was also lacking social interaction. Except for the times we visited our relatives, I was limited to sleeping, eating, and reading, often going periods of hours at a time without saying a word. On the drive home, I sprawled myself out in the back, listened to music, looked at the sky, and figured out what I was going to do for my next art project. It was extremely relaxing. Not that my summer home life is filled with stress and anxiety, but getting away from people and (largely) electricity for a while had a good effect on me.

It was also funny to sit back and observe my relatives. My grandma, aunt Katie, mom, and cousin Jackie all in the same house. Three generations of generally opinionated women, three of whom lack significant masculine influence, and all of whom had some sort of ongoing quarrel happening with at least two of the others. Highlights include my aunt insisting that my hair tie had some sort of connection with a teenage sex fad, my grandma arriving almost 3 hours late to GA partially because she kept looping around on the interstate (getting off at an exit, driving straight back on to the on ramp, getting off at the exit, driving back on to the on ramp...), and Mark, Jackie's husband, making quiet but witty remarks about how he felt being the only man present.

Updated Goals:

- To accomplish the aforementioned reading goal, I've been asking my friends what their favorite books are, writing down their responses, and I plan to check them all out from the library and read them. So far I've read Night, a Holocaust nonfiction, and I'm starting I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. Next on the list: House Of Leaves.

- Tomorrow I'm planning on going out and buying paper and an exact-o-knife so I can get to work on the art project I thought of on the ride home. If I get really ambitious, I might try to finish the project I started at the beginning of LAST summer.

- Though this seems to have a high probability for faliure, I'm actually going to try to go running in the mornings a few days a week. I've decided to make this plan work, I'd need to get up around 8 and run in the mornings, which is why I've decided there's about an 78% chance this won't happen. I cherish my sleep.

When I leave I won't make a sound

Well, I'm happy to report that my flute is once again back in my possession. After several days and a series of unfortunate as well as extremely lucky circumstances, this morning a middle aged man from Plainfield named Dave was on my doorstep, flute in hand. My dad offered to give him money, for being such a good guy I suppose, but he declined and rather hastily left. But, it's good to know that such a caliber of people still exist in the world, and I'm extremely grateful.

And now, after my entry of neuro-analysis on the teenage brain, I'm really starting to wish I was a small child again. Or an adult. Anything except this age group. I don't like being moody, I don't like overthinking, I don't like being emotional, and I don't like being dramatic. Melodrama is actually very close to number one on the list of qualities I truly despise. None of it would be a problem if I was just a little bit older and could deal with situations in a more mentally healthy fashion. Or a bit younger. To become a small child again and simply throw a temper tantrum at the slightest displeasure, which is not necessarily healthy, but at that age group, is considered appropriate. But because I'm a teenager, it seems I'm doomed to all the things I thought I could avoid. I know I'm happy, but because I'm a teenager I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not. And of course I'll deal with it the healthy way: internalizing. I think if I were anyone else I'd find me exasperating.

I live my life in cycles and rough sketches

Yesterday I came across one of our copies of TIME magazine which sported the headline "Secrets of the TEEN BRAIN," along with a subtitle that promised to "explain its mystifying ways." Being part of the mentioned demographic, and possesing one of the apparently mystical objects referred to, I read the article, which went on to state that the not entirely developed sections of the brain (which won't be completely developed until 22-25) could be responsible for teenagers:

Staying up late

Making stupid decisions

Having an increased attraction to drugs and alcohol

Inability to prioritize

Inability to read people's emotions/facial expressions

Impulsive actions

Affinity for rock 'n roll

Desire to rebel/seek out thrills

Having overexaggerated emotions

Being more vulnerable to peer pressure

While I thought it was pretty interesting that scientists were able to link so many teen habits that were before solely attributed to raging hormones (which are still a big factor), I thought it was really funny how they treated teenagers as an alien, mass population, unlike normal, adult humans, with generalized characteristics. I think people spend far too much time wondering about the origin behind actions and not enough on simply accepting and reacting to them. Some of the things said really made teenagers sound more like some animal breed than just younger humans -- such as, "Don't be afraid to show physical affection, as long as it is accepted."

Anyway.

Cathi and I went to Chrissy's confirmation last night. I'd never been to any kind of Catholic service (mass?) before, sans this one experience downtown when I was around 9, which included a lot of Latin and this little girl glaring at me. It was cool, but I felt really awkward occasionally. Like when they started talking about Mary. Or crossing themselves. And the bishop talked about the Pop a lot.