It's just the hardest part of living

I don't think intelligence actually exists.

This statement tends to yield either odd looks or vaguely confused laughter by people who assume I'm joking. And, well, it does sound like some sort of weird, un-funny joke, because of course intelligence exists. Stupid people exist. People who are irritatingly proficient at everything they even halfheartedly try exist. What was Forrest Gump if not a feel-good tale about a man who, though charming and earnest and overall a better human being than the rest of us combined, is dumb as a post?

If I may put on my Big Brother Conspiracy Theorist hat for a moment: I'm pretty convinced that intelligence is a very specific and nearly wholly culturally-defined entity. The Man tells us who we think is smart. Here in the U.S. we value logic, problem solving, and the ability to follow direction, and tend to measure mental acuity by those standards alone. We automatically recognize someone who would be deemed, by society, summa cum laude. Brian Johnson is smart; John Bender is dumb. Lisa is smart; Bart is dumb. The Brain is smart; Pinky is dumb.

A couple decades ago, psychologists realized the narrowness of those standards, cried "Aw, shucks, give everyone a chance!", and created new definitions for intelligence--which more or less just sent a nod to artists and athletes ("kinesthetic intelligence", anyone?). But overall, we still know immediately when someone fits our Smart Guy stereotype. He uses big words, is good at math, raises his hand a lot. He is, generally, a him. He may or may not be acquainted with swirlies.

As with all cultural norms, I do begrudgingly admit the necessity for intelligence, as a concept, as it is typically defined and used. Colleges need a means to find their wheat and discard their chaff. And it's always nice to have yet another way to categorize people in your mind.

But beyond practical convenience, intelligence doesn't live up to the hype of its own construct, and starts to look shady under even mild questioning. What does being "dumb" mean, anyway? That someone is slow on the uptake? Is being faster necessarily the same as being smarter? Or does it denote an inability to follow a story or logical sequence? Does having trouble quickly comprehending information presented in a specific way equitable to a lack of intelligence? Who is smarter: someone who struggles with trig but writes brilliant analytical essays, or someone with a degree in quantum mechanics who has the prose of a dyslexic third grader? Why do we so immediately write off people with amazing social and emotional skills but poor grades as unintelligent? Why do so many retroactively declared-to-be geniuses drop out of college?

Personally, instead of intelligence, I believe in talent, charisma, empathy, adaptability, and quickness and clarity of thought. I believe that each of us is better or worse than each other in each of these individual areas, and we need not cross-reference between them or try to figure out whether one or the other is more important. Attempting to rank people by a generalization so broad and amorphous as "intelligence" is like going to a zoo and attempting to rank the attractions according to which are the most and least mammalish. It's just silly.

Viva la revolution.