I wonder if there isn't a better word than that

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship. This hasn't caused me (or GR, that I know of) a significant amount of mental or emotional trauma. I'm cool. He's cool. We're doing remarkably well.

An unintended result of my contentment is that, thus far, I have never turned to the internet as a means of releasing or mitigating any emotional angst. I have to assume that web-based support groups and other such things exist for people like me, but frankly, I have no use for them.

Today, however, thanks to a random and whim-induced Google search, I discovered the existence of a wide, vast world -- of not only "LDR" support groups, but also entire websites and articles -- dedicated to how to survive as A Person Coping With A Long-Distance Relationship. I know that many of these sites are legitimate and useful sources of comfort to those having a hard time in their long-distance relationships (and some are for military separations, about which I would never joke)...

....but some of them are hilarious.


Exhibit A: www.lovefromadistance.com

Aside from having a domain name that sounds like an ill-concealed cover for pedophilic stalkers, the best part of lovefromadistance.com is its much-lauded list of "100 Things for LDR Couples To Do Together." The "100 Things" list is the crown jewel of the website, billed on the home screen as the site's "most popular page," and [loquaciously] titled as the "longest list of things for LDR couples to do from a distance you'll find anywhere!"

When you navigate to the "100 Things" list, you are immediately met with a paragraph-length introduction, which reads as follows:

People in long distance relationships can have a hard time staying connected, because couples are limited in what they can do together. Many are limited to phone calls, emails, instant messaging, and texting which can become a bit humdrum over time, if you ask me. It is important to keep things interesting. Here is a list of things you can do with your boyfriend/girlfriend as well as things you can do for them from a distance. The ideas get more interesting as you go through the list!

The introduction neglects to mention Skype (or other video messaging) among the ways LDR couples can communicate, which seems like a pretty significant omission. Between phone calls, Skype, e-mails, instant messaging, and texting, I'm skeptical that this list can offer me anything terribly new. Regardless, I read on.

The first item on the list (which starts at #1, not #100) is "Watch movies or TV shows simultaneously together!" The English major in me struggles past the grammatical redundancy ("simultaneously together"?), and I focus on the content. I'm having a hard time figuring out how this activity can be seen as anything except depressing. We've kicked off the list with a forced sense of excitement, thanks to the exclamation point. "OMG YOU CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER! Guys, isn't it exciting that you'll be seeing the same things? Watching TV is fun!" As far as my imagination is concerned, the only thing sadder than being unhappy in a long-distance relationship is forcing yourself to waste cell phone minutes on dead airtime watching a random TV show (an activity that, in a regular relationship, is sort of the fast food of companion activities), making you only more painfully aware of your long-distance-ness. I'm wondering if diabolical cell phone companies came up with this one.

The introduction promises that these list items will get more interesting, though, so I move on.

I'll paraphrase the next 70 or so entries. Most of them involve sending some sort of message to your loved one. Send coupons. Send an e-Kiss. Send a "Hip-Hop Gram"[?]. Send a drawing. Send a love letter. Send a different kind of love letter. Send a card. Send a card in which you've sprayed your favorite perfume. Send a poem. Send a "Geo Greeting." Send a mad lib. Send a text message in their signature font[?]. The more creative ones, not surprisingly, get a little creepy. Monitor the weather where they are. Go on a scavenger hunt at a dollar store and then send what you buy to your significant other. Better yet, send them on a scavenger hunt.

I'll skip to #100 -- presumably, the most interesting entry of them all. Ready?

100. Exercise together.
"... Just set up your laptops in your respective living rooms (or wherever you have enough room to workout), turn on the webcam, and start playing the same workout video simultaneously!"

Although there are few things that would make me regret the invention of the internet, the thought of GR and I jazzercising together in remote locations, connected by a webcam capturing our synchronized movements, might do the trick.

Exhibit B: longdistancerelationship.org

This website has the honor of capturing the brick-in-the-face obvious domain name for those seeking empathy and advice about their long-distance relationships. It is the #2 Google search result for "long distance relationship." One would logically conclude that this site must be wildly popular. Upon further investigation, though, its Google status clearly must have been won by skillful and effective keywords and/or black magic, judging by the fact that the website's advice is 100% delivered in broken, non-native English and with a healthy scoop of gender stereotyping.

Here are excerpts from the entry on how to have a romantic, long-distance Valentine's Day:

Have a Candlelit Dinner via Webcam – If you’ve been itching to try romantic ideas during Valentine’s Day but still can’t decide about what to do then having a candlelit dinner despite the distance is possible with none other than a webcam! Ask a friend or a relative of your girlfriend to order something nice from a good restaurant in her place. Instruct the person to deliver the food on your girl’s house. Of course, you will have to pay for it.

Write a Poem – Although you will agree that your teacher in literature gave you a failed mark, this should not stop you from writing a wonderful poetry to express your love to your lover.

Give Gifts - A good girl should get a good price so if you think your girl is worthy of such then you might want to consider giving a Kindle Wireless Book Reader or any gift she’ll appreciate.

Send a Letter – Write a letter to your girl expressing how much you love her. Because girls are so emotional, they will for sure adore your effort.

I don't always feel 100% awesome about me and GR being 1,000 miles away from each other, but these websites make me feel significantly better.