I had this conversation the other day with a girl from my gym class, observing with some ironic amusement the fact that no one ever admits that they're not smart. Obviously, within the spectrum of human intelligence, there has to be some on the bright side, some holding up the average, and a few straggling along on the dense end. But when's the last time you heard someone say "Yeah, I'm truly not very smart" without any sarcasm, humor, or pity plea? It doesn't happen too often. Most people prefer phrases like "I could get straight A's, but I just don't care," or "I'm really smart; I just don't test well." Not that these statements are always false, but when and how do you differentiate the sincerity from the red light on your internal BS meter?
Which brings me to my next point. There are plenty of personality areas that one just assumes that he's successful in. Jerks often don't think they're jerks, drama queens often don't think they're melodramatic, and boasters often just think they're providing good conversation. Which, naturally, encouraged me to begin to wonder whether I, like the rest of the world, view myself inaccurately in such instances, or if, by some chance, I'm an impossibly perfect anomaly. We've all heard people point out largely imaginary personal flaws ("I'm so fat!"), only to be gratified by their consoling friends ("You are so not fat."), but there has to be a point in which a person can admit that they are actually flawed.
My personal results were surprising. It appears I am not, indeed, the epitome of perfection. Here's a short list of what I've deduced are my greatest social and personal
Gossiping is something I do constantly. Though try my best to be non-judgmental, not overly critical, and stay unagitated by others, I find myself almost continually talking about someone and their behavior or personality. Though some of the conversation is often flattering ("Kristen is positively adorable.") or at least impartial ("He has his moments sometimes, but overall he really is a good kid."), there are plenty of occasions where the subject matter isn't so gracious. It's a horrible habit, and I always feel guilty after such conversations.
Criticism is another issue with which I struggle. I've noticed that, though I usually keep it to myself, I almost always have instant mental critiques of people, actions, and situations when they are first introduced to me. I admit that I often have a difficult time keeping an open mind about things. I also group into this category my somewhat obnoxious habit of correcting grammar and other minor, largely insignificant verbal inaccuracies.
Admitting I'm wrong is something I think I'm usually physically incapable of. Especially in arguments, I refuse to consent to defeat, partially because I have some sort of post-modernist mindset somewhere in my head that tells me that if I still think I'm right, than I can't possibly be 100% wrong, can I? In more factual instances, or times at which I'm not very emotionally invested, I'll have no problem bowing out, but at times when it's not entirely possible to verify a conclusive victorious point, I'm relentless.
Finally, envy. I find myself getting jealous surprisingly easily for no consequential purpose. I'm extremely protective over things I view as mine, and though I believe I've grown fairly proficient at stifling this urge with a good splash of "you're being an idiot" reasoning, having that sour urge in the back of my mind is distracting.
This sort of "I'm perfect" mindset goes hand in hand with the common criticism of that worn-out "Nice Guys Finish Last" essay. As another blog author observed: "You're not a Nice Guy, you're not a Tragic Poet, you're not the One Great Thing the girls will be kicking themselves in twenty years over having cast you aside... Grab the Mag-lite of Introspection and go rooting around inside yourself. Dig out your inner Sorry Bastard, introduce him to your outer Nice Guy, and watch with joy and popcorn as your Nice Guy gets a mud-hole stomped in his passive-aggressively bitter ass."
P.S. The Diviners is a better show than I anticipated and I'm breathlessly anticipating the onset of musical.
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