Now the buildings aren't so tall

Dear Future Resident of My Apartment,

Congratulations on your new digs! And congratulations also on your move to the Big City. How do I know you’re new to Chicago? Frankly, if you lived in this city before, you would know that you could’ve done better. Over the course of the year, you will meet dozens, perhaps hundreds, of people with nicer, cheaper apartments that you will subsequently secretly covet. But hey, your signature is on the lease and it’s not coming off, so let’s focus on the positives.

Actually, no, there are a few more negatives we need to cover first. I’m sure the rental agency (rich in moral fiber and cognizant of your expectation to be told “all the important things”) disclosed these issues already, but we might as well go over them again:

The locks for the exterior doors freeze in the winter, making it impossible to enter the premises without some B&E tactics; the weird barbell shape of the apartment means that there’s no logical place to install a window air conditioner, so you might as well not bother; the alley out back seems to be a particularly attractive urination spot for the local homeless; the landlady will never send a professional for maintenance issues, but will instead commission various “handy” family members, and even then only for dire repairs; no matter how good or responsible of a tenet you are, the landlady will still speak to you at all times as if you were a child and/or felon. Also cockroaches. There are cockroaches sometimes.

Okay. Now on to the positives.

1. Being within 30 feet of an L stop is actually as awesome as it seems—although it has the effect of making all of your friends’ apartments seem painfully far away from their respective stations (“You’re three blocks away?! How do you stand it?!”).

2. Being a stone’s-throw away from the lakefront is similarly awesome. Aside from summer beaching possibilities, you’ll never be forced to run or bike on exhaust-filled streets, navigating around slow-walking pedestrians or risking death-by-suddenly-opened-car-door. The worst you’ll encounter on the lakefront trail are hardcore runners or cyclists who will (in my mind, arrogantly) zoom past you as you plod along in your average athleticism.

3. The spacious, elongated design of the apartment is perfect for 1) having too much furniture, and 2) pretending you live alone. If your roommate is in the living room, you could visit your bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen before heading out the back door without ever seeing his/her ugly mug. I imagine it’s also great for hide-and-seek, although we never used it for this purpose.

4. I don't know about you, Future Resident, but hardwood floors make me feel classy. Also, I never determined the purpose of that tiny, tiled room attached to the living room, but it sure has a nice view.

5. There are four coffee shops, a theatre, a beach, two occult/mystic shops, a Walgreens, a 7-Eleven, and 12 restaurants (two Mexican, two Thai, one Japanese, two Chinese, two pizza, one Italian, one Indian, and one pub) within a 5-minute walking distance.

Of course, Future Resident, there's an extent to which none of this matters. When I look back on this past year, my apartment itself doesn't loom large in my memories. As MTV's The Real World has been teaching us since 1992 (seriously, 1992. Look it up.), it's not your physical environment, but the people who surround you that give your life color and vim (and lots of drama and some obligatory racism, if TRW is our measuring stick). You'll undoubtedly enjoy your life in this apartment more if, for example, you manage to score an eerily compatible sister-roommate, a boyfriend living along your L line, and friends from Gold Coast to Hyde Park to Logan Square who are willing to hang out with you at the drop of a hat.

Good luck and godspeed, Future Resident. And seriously, keep an eye out for those cockroaches.

<3 Linda

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Cathi: I gave $20 to Planned Parenthood today.
Me: Good for you. I see their volunteers in Evanston a lot.
Cathi: Yeah, I mean, there's always a bunch of people out there asking for money, but this one was the first one that really caught my interest...
[... long pause...]
I'm not sure what that says about Save the Children.